KKK Mart

KKK Mart

Today I went to KKK-Mart while my Mom and Grandma shopped at some boring shoe place. I didn’t think I would get to stay that long, so my main plan was to focus on understanding the layout of the store; I walked around for quite a bit, trying to figure out where every security camera was hidden while simultaneously taking mental notes of the primary gathering places of employees. But this was mainly just a fun—albeit needless—precaution. What I really wanted to know was the location of every in-store “Employee Use Only” phone. Why? Because with access to one of these telephones, you have complete control over the store’s overhead intercom system and you can also talk to the people who call customer service.

Eventually, I found two phones tucked away in remote locations. They looked like they had never been used, and there weren’t any security cameras nearby. Likewise, one of the phones was really close to a sporting/camping goods section, and the other was near a men’s underwear aisle. This made it even easier for me, because I wouldn’t look suspicious being close to those kinds of items. Imagine if the only good phone I found was close to a bunch of bras or something. Now that would look strange indeed.

So what diabolical thing did I do considering the power at my disposal?

Well, you see, that’s the problem. I guess I was feeling a little too nervous today, because I just couldn’t convince myself to even pick up the darn handset! I really don’t know why—I mean, I’ve done some pretty dumb stuff before—but I guess I simply wasn’t expecting my mom and grandma to be gone long enough for me to have this kind of opportunity. So I kinda blew it.

However, I didn’t leave the store empty handed. After a while of chickening out, I decided it would be sort of funny to press the “Intercom” button—which makes a fairly loud buzzing noise—and stand close by watching employees try to find the problem. That would have worked, except for the fact that workers would just walk straight by the phone without even noticing anything was wrong! How could they not realize that kind of noise wasn’t normal?

Thinking back on it now, if the folks who work at Kmart are that stupid, I probably could have gotten away with what I had planned to do. But whatever. At least I got to listen to their “shoplifter detection” system screw up. Every now and then, sirens would blast from above, even though nobody was stealing anything. Epic fail. Anyway, I’ll probably go back there in like a week or two and actually try something interesting.

Until next time, this is Sebastian signing off.

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